THE SCENE: Walmart (where ELSE?), 5:30 PM on the night before Halloween (aka Really F-ing Bad Timing), after one hellishly terrible day, with all three whiny, hungry, tired children in tow.
Totally exhausted, completely irritated, and extremely distracted, I load the bags into the car, strap in Delaney, and instruct Garrett and Laura to buckle up. I dash my cart back to the nearest cart return, jump back in the car and drive away (of course turning the radio way up to block out any annoying Child Noises).
About halfway home, as I look in my rearview mirror, I see Garrett coloring, Delaney about to doze off, and one empty booster seat. ONE EMPTY BOOSTER SEAT? WTF?!?
My heart immediately starts thumping a mile a minute, and I scream "GARRETT! Is Laura sitting by you?" "No," he replies.
"WHERE IS SHE?" In a panicked voice that mimics mine, he answers "I don't KNOW!"
And in that next five seconds, as I nearly wet my pants (three rounds of childbirth - doesn't take much, my friends) my brain flashes - in slow motion -through three crystal clear scenes:
1. Laura got out of the car while I returned the cart. She is standing in the darkened Walmart parking lot all alone, crying.
2. I am SO going to jail. Am officially a Negligent Parent.
3. Oh fuck. She got out of the car while I returned the cart and I RAN OVER HER.
OH MY GOD HYSTERICAL PANIC SCREAMING SCREECHING "LAURA! LAURA!!! ARE YOU IN THE CAR?" CAN'T BREATHE HIT BRAKES CLOSEST PARKING LOT PULL OVER HAVE GOT TO TURN AROUND GO BACK TO WALMART OH GOD WHAT DO I DO - and right about then is when I see something move on the floorboard behind the front passenger seat.
And then I see the slightest swish of a ponytail. I immediately begin sobbing and my legs start shaking as I realize THAT THE LITTLE SHIT HAS BEEN CURLED UP IN THE FLOORBOARD THE ENTIRE TIME.
And that's when I found that mother-love is just a funny damn thing. Because only a mother could physically feel overwhelming gratefulness and unconconditional love for her child while SIMULTANEOUSLY wanting to beat the cheeks off of one particular four year old's behind.
But don't worry - I did no beating. Instead, I simply chose to sob all the way home, which in turn caused Laura to sob all the way home, which I decided was punishment enough for all of us. And then I had a shot of tequila. Amen.
14 comments:
I agree wholeheartedly that Laura seeing you so freaked out about the possibility of losing her is the only punishment she needed. I don't think she'll ever forget how scared you were. Thank goodness she was safe!
But WHY do children do these things to their mothers???
Oh shit! You hadn't told me that one. Are you sure you didn't have more than one shot? I like your hair by the way. You look great!
Holy crap! I'm so glad she wasn't left in the parking lot. Reminds me of the story John Candy tells in Home Alone where they left their three year old at the funeral home. He didn't talk for three days, but then he came around. Haha!
I so wasn't trying to make it worse. Floorboards! Who knew? ;o) Jack is my hider, too. He's most commonly found beneath beds or the train table, but has also been known to hang out in cabinets, closets and behind the laundry room door, never to answer when called. Love. It.
Also, as if I've not written you a book yet, WAHOO ten pounds! You look fantastic in your picture up there in the corner! I am so on the ball with you!!
HOLY CRAP!!!! I would have freaked out too!!! And sobbed and freaked out. And sobbed and freaked out.
THat has got to be the most terrifying feeling, Stacey. I cannot imagine and I hope I never feel it.
I am so glad that Laura was actually in the car and safe. Also, I am very proud of you for not beating her. It is very amazing how we, as mothers, can have both of those feeling at the same time.
Sweet shoes, my heart was in my throat!! I hope I never experience this.
It's only a matter of time for me. Baby harness....I LOVE IT! Yeah for you and the minus weight! You inspire me and help me feel normal! Bless you!
-Linda
OMG! OMG! My heart was hammering the whole time I was reading that although as the reader, I knew of course that she wss safe.
I just can't even BEGIN to imagine how you felt. Nausea overwhelms me at the mere thought.
Little shit!
:)LOL!
so glad you finally blogged! I miss your funny butt!
Lucy
so glad you finally blogged! I miss your funny butt!
Lucy
Oh My Freakin' God! I was seriously shitting throughout your entire store... till I got to the whosh of the ponytail. Thank Heavens for the Whosh!
How absolutely terrifying. Oy.
The shot of tequila was the perfect topper to the story! I am glad she was in the car...how SCARY!!!
You didn't share the punishment portion with me when you relayed the frightening tale! That is su-freaking-perb! You might start trying that on a regular basis.
oh my what a scare...and what a stinker!
my four year old at the time and her friend, hid in the closet, didn't answer us, so we freaked out called the cops, searched the streets and then found them hiding, and they told us they didn't want to come out because they thought they were in trouble!! oh man, so know the feeling.
My heart is racing. If she's doing this at four, can you imagine 14? Um, maybe I better not mention that. :)
At least you can partially blame her for hiding. I left my 2-month old (4th child) in the car while a friend and I went into the store. It was less that 5 minutes later that I remembered, but still...
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