I can't WAIT to give him a big fat kiss in front of his junior high buddies

Dear friends, just 5 short years ago, I looked like this (well, I MOSTLY looked like this - who WOULDN'T do a little photo-shopping on their double chin if they could?):

When that photo was taken, Garrett was eighteen months old and I was blissfully pregnant with Laura. I think he might have had four or five time-outs in his young life. He was just beginning his future career in DESTRUCT AND DESTROY.

Ah, fresh, new motherhood.

Also, I was still teaching full-time, so I was still required to make myself presentable on a daily basis, and I also had a restful, lovely TEN HOUR break from my one child EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (Well, at least it was a lovely break in HINDSIGHT - at the time, I was crying every night because I couldn't stay home with my babies).

But now, as you well know, I have been a stay at home mom for a full two years now. In those two years, I have been given a prescription for anxiety problems and panic attacks, gained ten (oh, fine, TWENTY) pounds, and I only wear pants with a button on special occasions.

I have given birth to and nursed a new baby, potty trained two toddlers, and spent approximately 1,642,441 hours driving little people to sports practices, preschool, birthday parties, and doctor appointments.

I have screamed, yelled, cried, spanked, scolded, wept, moaned, and nearly SCRATCHED MY EYES OUT while attempting to raise three small children.

Therefore, is it any surprise that I CURRENTLY look like THIS?

And the really telling part of that photo? I didn't even KNOW it was taken. And yes, I know, I'm even looking into the camera! But I'm not really there! I'm half-dead, sleeping with my eyes open. I plugged my digital camera card into the computer last week to upload some photos and found about twenty-five pictures that I DID NOT TAKE.

So who did?

Along with the frightening picture of me, there were assorted pictures of toys, people's feet, and the top of Delaney's head.

And while we're on the subject of Garrett, let's just have a little review of just HOW I got those black circles under my eyes. HE DID THIS TO ME.

We'll begin in mid-2005, at age 3. Toilet paper fiasco 1/214.

Then the fascination with markers begins.

These colored-marking thingys are FABULOUS - why didn't we know of them earlier, mother? THIS IS WHY:

Toilet paper fiasco 35/214 (pretty certain I have spent an entire year's salary in TOILET PAPER):

The train table he received from Christmas that year, totally disassembled and rearranged so creatively into a pretend car:

The Fish Who Lived - Flipper the Incredible...fish bowl, spoon, and chair pushed up to the counter = one naughty little boy and one betta fish flipping around on my kitchen floor:

Spring of 2007 brought THE CUTTING UP OF MY WINDOW SCREENS:

And August of 2007 brought the most dramatic marker incident to date. Say hello to my two-week old couch:

Garrett was really on a roll in the fall of 2007 - cutting off his 3 year old sister's hair,

burning up sections of the basement carpeting,

and building what I like to call "The Bridge Over VERY TROUBLED WATER".

Then there was my entire basement covered with a blue-marker soccer field,

and shortly after, blue decor for the kitchen linoleum too (note to self - find better hiding places for markers):

And the newest creation? Acrylic paints on my deck posts.

I seriously don't even know what to say. I'm done. SEND HELP.