Confession: Good for the soul, bad when DFS visits your house

When I was pregnant with Garrett, my first child, I followed all The Rules. I bought all the baby instruction manuals (aka "What to Expect..."), I avoided caffeine, and interviewed possible pediatricians. I took all the free classes offered by my hospital, ordered the cutesy Pottery Barn Baby bedding, and fretted over every decision involving my presh-us bayyyy-beee.


After Garrett was born, I continued to sweat the small stuff, as new mothers are entitled to do. Going out alone with a baby took me well over a month, I read stacks of board books to Garrett every day, I heeded each word of my pediatrician's advice at our carefully scheduled well-baby checks, and I even told the TRUTH to my pediatrician regarding every parenting choice we were making with our newborn.



I tried SO hard to do everything "right", and look where it got me...it got me a five year old who has cut up damn near everything in my house, and colored all over the rest.


Then Laura came along nineteen months after Garrett, and all I can say about that is that I vaguely remember that she was once an infant. I seem to remember lots of crying, explosive poops, and that the baby swing was my best friend for about seven months. There is even photographic evidence to prove that we apparently adored the little screamer!



Ah. And then there is the surprise third baby. Poor Delaney - she was doomed from the very start. I learned of my pregnancy with her in the Wal-Mart bathroom (appropriate, yes?), just a week after partying it up at a Dixie Chicks concert (whoopsie!). I drank unlimited amounts of caffeine (which supposedly affects a newborn's head size, but that child has the biggest, roundest, most GIANT head of all my three children - hello, C-section!).


Everything I said I wouldn't do when Garrett and Laura were babies? I have now done. I officially lost my Mother Of The Year title when Delaney came along. Having lost all control with my toddlers years ago, I was sure that this third baby was my chance for Motherhood Redemption. That has not been the case.



Here are my confessions, in no particular order. Some of these things I actually feel a lot of guilt about. Others? I just call it getting by.


1. Have put her in the car with the straps unbuckled. Numerous times.


2. Gave up breastfeeding by four months.


3. She has only slept in her crib six times. The rest of the time?





4. I plop her in the carseat (a few months ago, the swing) and prop up a bottle when I'm ready for her to take a nap.

5. I've taken her to church in pajamas.

6. I often forget to feed her - not bottles, but FOOD. Garrett was getting three meals a day at this age, with a Gerber Hawaiian Delight for dessert at dinnertime. But - in case you're concerned - PROOF that she is NOT starving:

7. The vitamin drops that Garrett and Laura took religiously from 6 months on? Delaney has taken them four times - because I forget everyday, even though they are strategically placed where I SHOULD remember.

8. I accidentally let her get sunburned at Laura's preschool picnic.


9. I did NOT encourage her to crawl (though she finally figured it out this week anyway, DAMMIT - mobile children = trouble). Garrett was WALKING by this age.


10. I've never brushed her gums (as she has no teeth yet) with the little baby finger toothbrush, the way I did with Garrett and Laura.


11. I let her play with plastic Wal-Mart bags. You know, the ones with the big "KEEP AWAY FROM BABIES" printed on the side? I SUPERVISE her.


12. I locked her in the car at a gas station to go in and get a coffee. IT WAS A GAS STATION IN A VERY SMALL TOWN, YES I'VE HEARD ALL THE TERRIBLE STORIES ABOUT CAR JACKERS, NOBODY ELSE WAS THERE, SHE WAS SLEEPING, I COULD SEE HER FROM THE WINDOW, AND IT WAS A COOL DAY. Please do not have me arrested. I just needed some caffeine. Let's just pretend you didn't read this one.


13. Her bathing schedule? Leaves a lot to be desired. But then again, so does mine most days. That, my friends, is what baby wipes and lotion are for.


14. Back when she used a pacifier, I just stuck it in my mouth to clean it instead of washing it.


15. I let her tear up Seth's old Popular Science magazines while I brush my teeth and fix my hair in the morning.


16. When I forget to feed her meals, I just put some scoops of baby cereal in her bottle to even things out.


17. I have forgotten to read books to her for the last ten months. Now she'll NEVER get into college. Poor baby has learned she must just do it her damn self since Mama won't:





18. I had pictures done at Penney's every month until Garrett and Laura were one ($3.99 a sheet!) and put them in a special frame. Of course I had to do the same with Delaney - however, we'll just pretend that she was NOT ten months old in her nine month photo. Um, I got a little behind this month.

19. I forgot to schedule her 9-month well-baby checkup.

20. I showed up for her 6-month checkup, with all three children in tow, at NINE THIRTY in the morning, only to find that the appointment was scheduled THE DAY BEFORE.

21. I consistently lie to my pediatrician ("Of COURSE she sleeps in her crib every night!"), and I nod my head sweetly at his suggestions - right before I go home and do the opposite.

22. This morning, I woke up to the sound of her sucking on a dry bottle - she had finished off the bottle that she fell asleep eating LAST NIGHT. Ugh.

23. We fed her cake and ice cream when she was six months old, and Seth lets her gum on his pizza when we order out, which I believe is EXACTLY what has made her such an extremely happy, relaxed, and forgiving baby:

Whew. That's not a comprehensive list, I'm certain, but I'M WORN OUT. Excuse me while I go back to NEGLECTING MY CHILDREN.

Now YOU go and FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST TOLD YOU. Here, look at last weekend's wedding cakes, instead...

(Please note that the GINORMOUS flower arrangement on top was not my idea)

Those are horseshoes, done for a wedding in a barn (for those of you who don't live out in the country!)